Being a Christian wife in this world means that we won’t always be liked or understood. Sometimes we make choices and hold views that are unpopular. If you’re a “people pleaser” like I am, this will be difficult. I’d like to encourage you, the Lord always offers a way to shine His light in this secular world. Even within the military.
Our Values
There was a time when the majority of military service members held a conservative Christian world view, this is evident in references to God and Heaven in the swearing in oath and even the lyrics of the Marine Corps Hymm. We were a patriotic group who valued God-given freedom, and respected our country and our flag.
We believed, unequivocally, in traditional marriage and the importance of a strong family structure. We valued discipline, responsibility, and sacrifice. Our military is made up of men and women from all backgrounds and we understood that individual differences are beautiful, but that they don’t really matter, as we are ALL made in the image of God.
Lately, the military seems to be focusing on the above values less and less, and pivoting in a new direction. On a smaller scale, the “frat boy” culture within the military has certainly expanded to more of a culture of degenerates. So what do we do? If we are wives, called to be help meets to our husbands, and salt in this earth, how do we respond?
Read the Word
I’m no pro, but I can certainly share what works for my home. The FIRST and foremost thing you must do, is renew your mind Daily with the word of God. How can we hear from the Lord, and walk with him, when our minds aren’t focused on Him? If you’re blessed with a husband who is willing to lead you in devotion, Praise God! If he isn’t, then ladies, YOU read the word. I recommend finding a great devotional like this one.
Pray, Christian Wife
the Bible says to pray without ceasing. When you’re tempted to complain, go to the Lord in prayer. As you’re picking up socks from the floor AGAIN, and packing lunch, speak life, and pray over your family. We can see how dark things are from home, but our husbands are the ones out there facing it head-on.
Shut out the noise
I have been away from social media all month, and it has been absolutely glorious. My emotions are more stable, I’m much less distracted, and I’ve never been more content with my life and the things I have. More importantly, it’s easy to guard my heart against things that are not good for me. Choosing not to be involved in the latest trends, or missing out on celebrity gossip can only improve your spiritual life and your focus on the eternal.
Maintain your boundaries
Every couple has a line that they aren’t willing to cross. Even in un-charted territory, you know when something goes against your convictions or just “feels off”. This might mean declining social invitations to certain events or choosing not to support certain causes. Your husband may choose to come home after dinner out with the guys instead of hitting the bar. You may have to prioritize your family and home instead of shopping, brunch, and nail salons every weekend. These examples may or may not apply to you, just make sure you stick to your convictions.
Find a good church
Moving every 2-3 years can make it tough to find a good church, I know. If you’re able to however, you’ll find it much easier to resist the temptation of living like the world. A church home will help you connect with other believers with whom you can walk this journey together. Community is so important, and if you can surround yourself with a good one, you’re already ahead.
Conclusion
The US military is a honorable career. It may not be the institution that it once was, but it is still an opportunity to be salt in the earth. You can be a part of the military community, and be a loving and supportive wife without compromising your Christian beliefs and values. Even when you feel ostracized for being different, be encouraged. He is with you.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
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Having been through a few deployments and countless trainings and field operations, I have some advice to help you get through this difficult part of military life.
Deployments Are Tough for Him
Surviving deployments is one of the toughest things married couples face in the military. Not only is the service member enduring intense climate and living conditions, but also there is potential for physical danger. He is missing birthdays, anniversaries, and first steps, and he feels immense guilt over it.
Deployments Are Tough for Us
Then there’s our side. We are suddenly left to do our normal routine without a vital component in our lives. We are parenting alone, and doing all the icky things that our husband usually does, and comforting our children-we when could use some comfort ourselves.
Be The Bigger Person
My first tip is the toughest, but if you can master this, the rest will be a breeze. YOU will have to be the bigger person. Meaning, when you are able to email, text, or talk on the phone, try not to unload all your stress on your husband. Your emotions will run high, but do not act on them. This is not the time to vent or to pour out every issue and concern. I can assure you that he is stressed out, under tremendous pressure, and probably feeling guilty as well. Save the sarcasm, passive aggression and complaints. Let him know how much you love and miss him, and enjoy the time you have to communicate.
If you’re rolling your eyes and thinking “well he better not complain to me either,” you’re missing the point. He likely will. He may get upset and stressed about things and take a harsh tone. Imagine if you replied with an equally harsh tone, and both of you say things that you will later regret. Then a week goes by before you can talk again, and all you can think about is the last conversation you had. It isn’t worth the anguish. Keep it calm and sweet.
Save the Deployment Money
Don’t make any large financial decisions. You’d be wise to save as much as you can while he’s gone, (when my husband was in Afghanistan as a Corporal, I saved $10,000). If either of you are spending irresponsibly, it will definitely result in conflict, and you won’t be able to discuss it, and work things out. Don’t make this mistake.
Get Outside
If his unit has events for spouses and families, get involved. Go to the mixers, bring your kids to the play dates, participate in the groups. Even if you’re not a “people person”, its always a relief to be surrounded by other wives who can empathize with your situation-plus, its a great opportunity to leave the house once in a while. Check out this post on how to make friends in the military.
Shhhh
Next, and this one is important, loose lips sink ships. Basically, learn the rules of OPSEC(Operational Security). Official communication regarding where your husband is, and for how long, should NEVER be shared. Not on social media, not publicly, ever. There are enemies of the US who comb the internet for this type of information, better safe than sorry.
Care Package
Some fun things you can do while he’s gone include start a new hobby, or pick up and old one. Create a fun countdown for your kids. Institute a weekly movie or game night. Send him care packages. I sent my husband this care package for Thanksgiving when he was deployed in 2015.
For a list of the 10 best items to pack in a deployment care package, read this post
deployment care package
Plan His Homecoming
The MOST fun thing to do while he’s deployed is plan his homecoming. Lots of times wives plan photoshoots, with balloons and banners, or gatherings at home. I highly recommend asking if he’d like a big to-do, or just a low key evening at home with you. Ask what meal he wants prepared, and put on an outfit that you feel beautiful in. Make sure your home is tidy and welcoming, and just celebrate him!
Deployments are tough for the entire family, but we definitely have control over how we react to the stress of it. You’ve got this, girl.
Many of us desire to stay home with our babies and to be keepers of our home, but we worry that we won’t survive off of one income. Its no secret, the military isn’t a get-rich career, and most service members don’t join for that reason anyway. The fact remains, with a family, one needs money.
First, you need to lay out every bill, monthly payment, and subscription. Total everything up, and decide what you can live without. I like the Every Dollar App for this. I recommend living significantly below your means in the beginning. Just because you can afford it, doesn’t mean you should purchase it.
A HUGE way to live below your means in the military is, if you choose to live in town, (off a military installation) find a modest home, where your rent is less than the service member’s BAH (housing allowance). You can save that extra money, and apply it to utilities, a monthly bill, or put it straight in your savings account.
Another great way to decrease your monthly spending is to make meals from scratch at home. If you’re not a cook, never fear. I could barely scramble eggs when I got married, but found tons of recipes on Pinterest, and gradually became for comfortable in the kitchen. Since the beginning of my marriage, I have made my husband’s breakfast and coffee at home, (no Starbucks), and packed leftovers from the previous night’s dinner, for his lunch.
Next, is your grocery budget. 95% of the foods we eat are made in our kitchen. So we buy LOTS of foods in bulk. If you have a larger family, you may want to consider a bulk store membership like Costco or Sam’s. Bulk buying is often more cost-effective, and your food will last longer in between grocery trips. Another grocery budgeting tip, is to have your groceries delivered. This way, you aren’t tempted inside the store to purchase foods that you don’t actually need. If delivery isn’t an option, just make a list of what you need and stick to it.
If you want to get ahead, and begin saving for the future, you can look into additional income streams. You can sell old items on FB Marketplace, or you can sell your own creations on Etsy. If you have a skill or can provide a service, offer to do it in your community a few times a week, and charge for your services. For info on how I earn an income while still bring home with my kiddos and husband fill out this form
Cutting back on spending and living on one income can seem daunting at first, but its a sacrifice thats SO worth it. When we are available to our families and have the opportunity to be present with our babies, we will be grateful that we took the steps to scale back and make time for the things that matter.
When I graduated high school, I went straight to a 4-year university. My parents have degrees, and that was the natural progression. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do, but I had time to figure it out. I came from a middle class family. My parents paid for most of my education, and I took out student loans to cover the rest.
As an A/B student, and student athlete in high school, I didn’t expect to struggle at all in college. Then I encountered something I’d never anticipated: distractions. I was still an athlete with morning workouts, evening practices and weekend games. But suddenly, there were mixers, and parties, and shows, and I began to favor those distractions over my classes. This went on for my entire sophomore year.
By the start of my junior year, I decided to buckle down, choose a major, and really focus on the reason I was there. I majored in mass communications with a concentration in public relations. I worked extremely hard, joined an organization within my major, went to networking conferences, and even landed an internship in the marketing department at my university. Those two years of hard work really paid off-I graduated at the end of my 4th year and my GPA within my major was a 3.5. Not bad.
About 6 months after graduating, having gone on several interviews to no avail, and even attempting to join the military as an officer, it occurred to me that my experience in college may not have been as necessary as I had once thought. Over the next few years, I worked part time in several different industries. None-that I loved, and none that I felt were using the gifts that I knew I had.
After meeting my husband, getting married, and having our first child, we decided that I’d stay home with her full time. I had always wanted to be a mother, and it just made sense to us, that I’d be home to raise them. The next few years brought financial stress as my husband was still new to the Marine Corps and his paychecks were meager.
We learned to save and to stick to a budget and year after year as our family grew, and he rose through the ranks, the burden became lighter and lighter.
New Territory
After getting stationed in Okinawa, Japan, and birthing our third child, I decided I wanted to do something new. The American Red Cross was offering training for a Dental Assistant position in several local military dental clinics. My husband agreed that it would be good for me, and I applied and got in! Over the next few months, while my children were in childcare, I went to class. My daughter began her first day of kindergarten, and I was in class. I felt guilty, but justified it by reminding myself that I needed to do this.
When I graduated and began working, I noticed a huge change. Not o my was I pregnant again, but I was exhausted. All my energy went to my job and when I came home, my family got what was leftover. I no longer looked forward to cooking dinner for my family and hearing about my husband’s day. I didn’t even both making my husband breakfast in the mornings, because I was rushing to get the kids to childcare to get to work on time.
Over the next few months a series of unfortunate events ensued. My husband ended up in ICU with septic pneumonia and I couldn’t leave work to visit him because I hadn’t accumulated enough leave time. One of my children had an allergic reaction to food he was given at childcare, and my other child was left outside when her care providers and classmates went back inside. Needless to say, being present at the job that I loved, was causing problems with the family that I had created.
Lesson Learned
After the birth of our fourth baby, we decided that I’d stay home from now on. It took time, stress, and a lot of guilt, but I finally realized that my primary job was to be a keeper of our home and a present mom to our children. I no longer desired to leave my home to feel accomplished. Or that I needed to contribute financially. Soon after, my job found a new dental assistant to fill my position. But I can never be replaced in my position at home. Who better to spend my time on, and share my gifts with, than my own family?
I know I’m a little radical in my thinking, but I strongly believe that women, especially those of us married to service members, are doing ourselves and our families a disservice by seeking to work outside the home, if it causes our family to suffer as a consequence. What if we all focused our talents and gifts on keeping tidy welcoming homes where our husbands and children could retire for the day? What if we could greet our husbands at the door with a hot meal prepared and a smile? What if we had time and energy to bake cookies for our children for their after school snack, help with their homework, and make sure their silly socks were clean for spirit week?
Since coming to this realization in Okinawa, my husband’s job has caused us to move twice, and no matter where we live in this world, my job remains the same. And I can tell you, I’ve never been more fulfilled.
When I married my husband, he was already a Marine, and I was ready to live the life of the women on one of myfavorite ABC dramas. Wrong. Had I known then what I know now, I could have avoided a few sad months at our first duty station. Trust me, and implement these tips as soon as you can.
You’re in this too, sis
Sure, he’s the one who signed the contract, but as the spouse of a service member, your life is going to change too. There’s no way around it, just embrace it. How? Learn about what your husband does. Find out his job title and where he works. Learn about his branch of service, their traditions and core beliefs. Find out your husband’s rank, and maybe learn about the rank structure. Learn about dress codes on military installations and what time the colors are lowered. These bits of information will help you understand where you guys fit in and lessen the culture shock when you arrive at your first duty station.
Get out there
Now its time to find something for YOU to do. If you have children, you may not have a ton of free time. However, it’s imperative that you find some milspouses to befriend. Find your spouse’s unit page on Facebook. If there’s an event happening, go! Look for others with common interests. I once made a new friend from a Facebook post asking if anyone had any coffee. We were in the middle of unpacking, and I found myself without caffeine! A girl in my neighborhood who I’d never met, responded, and walked to my house with 3 k-cups!
Support him
Service members face challenging courses, rigorous training, and stressful situations every day. When they come home, they often want a moment to debrief and space to relax. I have found that the evening goes better for the entire family when I greet my husband with a kiss and a smile and give him some time. Maybe you have a different dynamic in your home. Just find out what he needs in the evening and try to do it. If he’s studying for an exam, give him peace. If he’s got a challenging day coming up, encourage him.
I highly recommend learning his love language. My husband loves acts of service, so I make sure there’s a hot nutritious meal on the table in the evening and that his uniform is clean for the following day. If that isn’t your thing, no biggie. However, I encourage you to find what you can do to help him feel supported and encouraged. He will get up the next day feeling ready to take on the world, and he’ll appreciate you for being understanding.
There’s more to being a military spouse, but focus on these 3 and you’ll be well on your way. You’ll be knowledgeable, you’ll have friends, and you’ll reduce the stress in your household and your marriage.
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I'm a wife, crunchy mom of 5, Jesus lover, and homemaker. Join me on this wild journey of moving every 3 years to unpredictable locations as the wife of a US Marine.
