Having been through a few deployments and countless trainings and field operations, I have some advice to help you get through this difficult part of military life.
Deployments Are Tough for Him
Surviving deployments is one of the toughest things married couples face in the military. Not only is the service member enduring intense climate and living conditions, but also there is potential for physical danger. He is missing birthdays, anniversaries, and first steps, and he feels immense guilt over it.
Deployments Are Tough for Us
Then there’s our side. We are suddenly left to do our normal routine without a vital component in our lives. We are parenting alone, and doing all the icky things that our husband usually does, and comforting our children-we when could use some comfort ourselves.
Be The Bigger Person
My first tip is the toughest, but if you can master this, the rest will be a breeze. YOU will have to be the bigger person. Meaning, when you are able to email, text, or talk on the phone, try not to unload all your stress on your husband. Your emotions will run high, but do not act on them. This is not the time to vent or to pour out every issue and concern. I can assure you that he is stressed out, under tremendous pressure, and probably feeling guilty as well. Save the sarcasm, passive aggression and complaints. Let him know how much you love and miss him, and enjoy the time you have to communicate.
If you’re rolling your eyes and thinking “well he better not complain to me either,” you’re missing the point. He likely will. He may get upset and stressed about things and take a harsh tone. Imagine if you replied with an equally harsh tone, and both of you say things that you will later regret. Then a week goes by before you can talk again, and all you can think about is the last conversation you had. It isn’t worth the anguish. Keep it calm and sweet.
Save the Deployment Money
Don’t make any large financial decisions. You’d be wise to save as much as you can while he’s gone, (when my husband was in Afghanistan as a Corporal, I saved $10,000). If either of you are spending irresponsibly, it will definitely result in conflict, and you won’t be able to discuss it, and work things out. Don’t make this mistake.
Get Outside
If his unit has events for spouses and families, get involved. Go to the mixers, bring your kids to the play dates, participate in the groups. Even if you’re not a “people person”, its always a relief to be surrounded by other wives who can empathize with your situation-plus, its a great opportunity to leave the house once in a while. Check out this post on how to make friends in the military.
Shhhh
Next, and this one is important, loose lips sink ships. Basically, learn the rules of OPSEC(Operational Security). Official communication regarding where your husband is, and for how long, should NEVER be shared. Not on social media, not publicly, ever. There are enemies of the US who comb the internet for this type of information, better safe than sorry.
Care Package
Some fun things you can do while he’s gone include start a new hobby, or pick up and old one. Create a fun countdown for your kids. Institute a weekly movie or game night. Send him care packages. I sent my husband this care package for Thanksgiving when he was deployed in 2015.
For a list of the 10 best items to pack in a deployment care package, read this post
Plan His Homecoming
The MOST fun thing to do while he’s deployed is plan his homecoming. Lots of times wives plan photoshoots, with balloons and banners, or gatherings at home. I highly recommend asking if he’d like a big to-do, or just a low key evening at home with you. Ask what meal he wants prepared, and put on an outfit that you feel beautiful in. Make sure your home is tidy and welcoming, and just celebrate him!
Deployments are tough for the entire family, but we definitely have control over how we react to the stress of it. You’ve got this, girl.
Still figuring it all out? More tips here
