As military spouses, so much of our lives are dictated by the military. Where we live, how often we move, whether or not our service member is going to be home by dinner time, and so much more. We have choices on how we react to this fact. We can fight it-kicking and screaming. Or we can accept it, and learn to make it work. The former is a common reaction, and often results in resentful, unadjusted spouses, and frustrated, miserable service members.
The latter is the option that will grow us.It will change us and mature us from the inside out, and result in not only stronger more resilient individuals, but a stronger unit (your marriage).
But how do we do it? How do we accept that our life is no longer just about us? Honestly, it s process that won’t happen overnight, but there are things you can do to shift your thinking, and make the change easier to embrace as you see the benefit.
Two Become One
Just as your husband was taught in bootcamp (or basic training) that he was no longer an individual, you need to begin to understand the same fact. When you said “I do”, the two of you became one. You are a unit, one body, one house. So there is no competing, no keeping score of who gets what, no splitting, no dividing. A house divided against itself can not stand.
There Can Only Be One Head
Don’t roll your eyes. I will not get into biblical submission on this post, but I need you to think logically, and without any emotion or bias. In a business, there are many employees, but one CEO. In a military unit, there’s a chain of command, and one commanding officer. In any living thing, there are many parts of the body, but only one head. The head does not operate independently, without the other body parts, but it is the only head. That said, someone in your marriage has to be the ultimate decision maker, the tie breaker, the leader, of sorts. That leader is the main character.
Where Do We Fit In?
As I stated above, the head can not move without the support of the neck the brain, and all the other body parts that make up the body. So as the spouse, or the supporting character, we are not without value. Your service member is often the logical, pragmatic, part of the body, but they need us. They need us to encourage them, and build them up. They need us to remind them that whatever it is, they can do it. They need us to feel respected and loved as the leader and representative of the unit (marriage) that goes out into the crazy world to make things happen.
What About My Needs?
I’m so glad you asked. Your needs matter, just as much as his do. I would never say that they don’t. There are ways to curate our desires and have our needs met as well. I always advocate for an hour or self care each day. Whether that’s an artistic hobby, or fitness, or reading a novel, or whatever it is that you enjoy, do it! Are you social? Definitely, go out and meet other spouses who can help build you up and create a sense of community. Do you have career aspirations? You can do those as well. Here’s where it gets sticky. In order for this to work, the first priority needs to be the unit. So if you can go to school, or work, or travel without it being a detriment to the family, and what the supportive role entails, then do it girl.
The Results
Over time, as our perspectives shift, and we begin to see our marriage as one unit instead of two individuals who compete with one another, small petty things, won’t matter. We won’t keep score over who washed the dishes last time, we won’t feel like we’re constantly fighting over when its “my time to do me”, and you’ll see this journey in the military as an opportunity to grow the marriage and its strength as well as the strength and individuals within.
Join our Facebook group, Milspouse Mastery, where we are doing a 5 day challenge on this very topic very soon. Becoming the Supportive Character Challenge
